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Funny Friday: The 85 Stages of Twitter

February 12th, 2010 | 69 Comments | Posted in Social Media


It’s been awhile since my last “Funny Friday” and let me tell you, this one will give you a chuckle and a half.  For other delightful funnies, go to the Humor section.

This post is originally from Shane Nickerson, who is an executive producer of Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory show on MTV, called the 46 Stages of Twitter.  I thought Shane’s post was brilliant so I decided to revise his original post with his consent.  The original 46 became what this list is now – The 85 stages of Twitter.  Holla if you’ve experienced one, any, all, or none!  Reply to me @shinng or comment below.   This should be amusing…

My revised version of the Stages of Twitter with original credit going to Shane Nickerson, a hilarious dude.

The 85 Stages of Twitter

  1. Hear the word Twitter.  Scoff.
  2. Hear it again from someone else.  Scoff again.
  3. Hear about famous celebrity who is apparently “On Twitter.”  Scoff.
  4. Make mental note to check it out.
  5. Log into Facebook to comfort self.
  6. Sign up for Twitter.
  7. Give up because it seems dumb.
  8. Think to self: why is this Twitter thing so popular?
  9. Loudly criticize others on Twitter.
  10. Decide to give it the ole “college try” and realize this is nothing like Facebook.
  11. Do the whole “find contacts on gmail account” and start following people you know.
  12. Post tweet that is a variant of: “Trying out this Twitter thing.”
  13. Attempt to dig a little deeper into Twitter.
  14. Notice rampant usage of words: “Tweet,” “Tweeps,” “Twitterverse,” “Tweople,” words that begin with # ,  something called “RT”, and other forms of ridiculous Twitter language.
  15. Scoff again, this time in confusion.
  16. Tell friends you “tried that Twitter thing, but didn’t get it and it’s stupid anyway.”
  17. Log into Facebook because that site at least makes sense.
  18. Read story about Twitter somewhere.
  19. Log back into Twitter.
  20. Notice people are posting blog links to Twitter and realize, hmmm, maybe I should too.
  21. Install TweetMeme on your blog just for shits and giggles.
  22. Try to avoid saying “Tweet,” “Tweeps,” “Twitterverse,” “Tweople,” words that begin with # ,  using this thing called “RT”, and other forms of ridiculous Twitter language.
  23. Respond to celebrity that never follows you back.
  24. @ reply said celebrity begging to add you.
  25. Curse self for fanning out.
  26. Log off for six months.
  27. Come back, just to see.
  28. Post something relatively funny/interesting.
  29. Get RT’d.
  30. Discover that RT means ReTweet.
  31. Make it your life mission to get RT’d.
  32. Install Twitter app on your phone and/or computer.
  33. No longer ashamed to say “I’ve gotta Twitter that.”
  34. Pray to get RT’d.
  35. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.
  36. Discover #followfriday/#ff.
  37. Make it your life mission to get included in #followfriday.
  38. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.
  39. Close computer.
  40. Open computer.  Refresh.  Refresh.  Refresh.
  41. Get RT’ed or included in #followfriday and RT that thanking them.
  42. Think in 140 character sentences even in emails.
  43. Compulsively check phone all day every day.
  44. Tweet that you compulsively check phone all day every day.
  45. Alienate people you actually know in your life in an attempt to impress ones you don’t know.
  46. Lose weight because you forget to eat or gain weight because all you’re doing is snacking, tweeting, and hitting refresh.
  47. You begin to ask people for their Twitter name instead of email to stay in touch.
  48. When they don’t have a Twitter name, scoff.
  49. Sign up for SMS notifications.
  50. Place phone by bed so you can check first thing in the morning.
  51. Five minutes later,  you turn off SMS notificaitons.
  52. Defend Twitter to the death from detractors.
  53. Hear self, and vaguely recognize that you have become “That Guy.”
  54. Vow to quit Twitter to preserve sanity.
  55. Read this and change mind.
  56. Think to self, “I should twitter that.”
  57. Recognize irony.
  58. Twitter it.
  59. Begin to create Twitter lists and spend hours creating it.
  60. Tweet that it took hours to create your list.
  61. Come to conclusion that Twitter will be in your life 24/7 at least in the short term.
  62. Have TweetDeck, HootSuite, or Seesmic open as well as twitter.com and your phone app running in case one of them doesn’t update properly.
  63. Check Twitter 496 times a minute to see if someone @ replied you or RT’ed.
  64. Refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh.  Just to make sure it works.
  65. Break down and finally give in by participating in ridiculous hashtags like #thatsghettoif or #thoughtsonthetoilet
  66. Decide you are going hardcore with Twitter and either buy a 2nd monitor or upgrade to a larger monitor because TweetDeck just can’t handle your tiny 20″ screen.
  67. Publicly celebrate follower milestones.
  68. Tell yourself never to do that again.
  69. Silently celebrate follower milestones.
  70. Make it your life mission to get on as many Twitter lists.
  71. Check your Twitter influence/ranking.
  72. Scoff at score (or showoff ranking/score by tweeting it).
  73. Feel sad and overcome with guilt for going at least half the day not tweeting.
  74. Tweet that you are sorry for not tweeting “until now”.
  75. Realize that you are now ready to attend your first tweetup/twitter conference and finally meet your online friends.
  76. You now get in the habit of tweeting the person sitting right next to/across from you.
  77. Anytime you see a word that starts with “twi”, your brain automatically triggers the word “twitter”
  78. Come across this post (or Shane’s original 46 stages) and feel proud to have been through “x” amount of  stages
    • Tweet it.
    • Oh no! You experience your first delightful Fail Whale.
    • Think to self, “I’m going to cut the strings from that whale and choke it with those strings!!”
    • On second thought, you think this is a good thing because you can get some work done.
    • A minute later…refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh.
    • Shit, realize you’re a Twitter addict.
    • Re-read this post to comfort self.
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